I have to come clean with you. I recognize in doing so it's really about my healing. And I need it badly, so here goes.
I know that people have been talking about me behind my back. Not because anyone told me so. Some of you know and some of you don't, I'm highly sensitive. That means I can feel and pick up on others' feelings, moods, vibrations. Even when they aren't in my presence.
I know people have been talking about me because I can feel it. We all know when I say "talk about me behind my back" I mean the bad stuff, the snarky, judge-y, put downs, criticisms, and blaming. I feel it.
And it hurts. A lot. All. The. Time.
Every day for all of 2016 I had to wake up and deliberately choose to focus on love, joy, happiness and gratitude. Otherwise I might have crumbled under the weight of all that hurt. It comes in waves. Sometimes strong, sometimes quiet. Lately less and less, but still there, still happening. I've had to work hard to focus my energy, block as much as negative vibration headed my way as possible, and purposefully show up with an eager, cheerful heart knowing what I know. Every. Day.
Yesterday, I listened to a great RobCast and felt so refreshed. To know it's human to hold so many different, seemingly conflicting feelings in our hearts. I feel the pain of loss, betrayal of written and verbal contracts, the sting of being unfriended on social (I know we all walk around saying what-evs, but come on, it still stings). I feel the fakeness of smiles and hugs to my face knowing underneath I can feel they're one of the ones.
And, my heart is so, so happy! I love my life, teaching yoga and writing Empty Buckets Overflow: A Quest for Love. I have exciting new life adventures on the way. My family is healthy, whole, and full of love and support. I have dedicated students who've been with me for years. I've had the wonderful, satisfying opportunity to have a rather simple, quiet year to heal from the hurts and make sense of what happened with all of the Yoga Flirt story (behind the scenes and the public stuff). I can feel I'm preparing to expand again soon. Life is thrilling, satisfying and exciting!
Inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert's post, I decided to tell you the truth. That my heart hurts. And my heart is full of joy. What am I asking for? Let's start with what I'm not asking for. If you recognize yourself in these words I don't want your apologies. Apologies are for ourselves, not the other person. If you're needing forgiveness, please give it to yourself. Because deep down you have that yucky, this-isn't-me feeling. Forgive and have compassion for yourself. For being human, for joining the conversation, or staying silent within your own discomfort.
I'm asking you to stop. Stop talking not just about me behind my back, stop talking about everyone behind their backs. You don't like it any more than I do and neither does anyone else. Give love, space and compassion to our humanness. Remember we all hold so much in our hearts. And we could all use more love, kindness and caring.
Then, I'd invite you to remember your first lessons from Yoga Flirt. Ahimsa. Non-harming in thought, deed, and action (hint action = words). You were taught that really, you have no idea what's going on inside another person unless they tell you. In light of that, it's not kind, it's not non-harming, to gossip and speak ill of someone.
Please remember, you don't fully know what's in someone's heart any more than they fully know what's in yours. No one has ever lived every single moment of your life but you and vice versa. We simply cannot know all the joys and all the sorrows someone holds within.
It's like our mamas told us, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. I'd add to that, if you wouldn't say it to someone's face, don't say it behind their back.
I honestly love you. You the reader who has no clue what I'm talking about but value the wisdom in the message. And you the reader who knows exactly what I'm talking about. I'm grateful for you and the lessons I'm learning as the Universe prepares me for my next expansion.
I really do send you good juju, peace in your heart, light in your life and the ability to receive and give love every day.
May we all choose, in the midst of the ache, to focus on Love.
If you enjoyed or were inspired by what you read, please comment below, Like, Share, Pin and Tweet. With Gratitude, Cathy MA Ed., E-RYT500